...stuck and unsure what to do

by Sassy

I have two friends. One I have been friends with for awhile and have known most of my life. We will refer to her as Miss Pees A Lot. The other friend, Miss Manners, I met through Miss Pees A Lot. I don't really talk to Miss Manners that much, but to Miss Pees A Lot enough to know when her feelings are hurt, if someone pisses her off, or screws up in her book.

Ok, so here is the situation. Miss Pees A Lot is pregnant and had her baby shower not long ago. She invited many people and since they were buying food and making tons of plans, having an exact head count was important. Come the day before, Miss Pees A Lot was sure of who was coming and all was set. The shower comes and everyone but one showed up. Can you guess who didn't show up? Yes, Miss Manners. Her not showing up is one thing, but there wasn't a phone call or anything. Not even a text message to say, "Hey something came up and I can't be there". NOTHING! Of course Miss Pees A Lot is human and her feelings were a little hurt. It wasn't so much that Miss Manners didn't show up. It was more that Miss Manners didn't bother saying she couldn't make it AND still hasn't bothered telling Miss Pees A Lot why she didn't or even mention in. Miss Pees A Lot STILL HASN'T HEARD ANYTHING from her.

To me, that isn't normal. That isn't very respectful at all, especially after Miss Manners almost wasn't allowed to go and then kept confirming that it was still on and she could go. I know that I would be so sad. I would be able to get over the fact they didn't come, but not even acknowledging it is just wrong.

How would you guys feel if this was your friends? Would you say something to Miss Manners? I don't know what to do. Maybe just not say anything to Miss Manners and be there for Miss Pees A Lot...

...A Reply from Difficult Friend

Posted by: Gossip Girl 007

A day after I sent my response to Miss Life Sucks I received the reply below. To my AMAZEMENT it looks like she took the high road...at first glance anyway. I read it a few times and she doesn't own up to her needy behavior (which I didn't expect anyway) and she throws it back at me like my response was due to me going through a difficult time instead of real issues I have with the friendship. How rich of her! It makes me laugh.

Thanks for writing back. Wow, I do have to say that I am very surprised to see your reaction. I really don't want to go back and forth on what I agree and disagree with since you're going through some difficult times. You should focus on that right now. Perhaps my email came at an inopportune time, but I had no way of knowing that since the last tine we communicated was in February. Eventhough I don't know what's happened, I'm positive that everything will work itself out for you. Just try to maintain faith in God that it will.The purpose of my email to you was not to lay blame or put pressure or upset you. However, from the tone of your email it sounds like it did. I'm a firm believer that people should be honest with one another. I wanted to let you know how I was feeling and why and was hoping to hear about your thoughts and feelings. I'm glad you responded and appreciate your honesty. I do hope you get through this difficult time. Regardless of how angry you're feeling towards me right now, if you need anything or there's something I can do, don't hesitate to let me know.Take Care, Miss Life Sucks

The response is still about what she needed and her feelings. I can't work on this friendship because I see it as me feeding into her neediness and then I am back where I was. As far as I am concerned this friendship is done and my not responding to her should make that clear. I feel at peace with my decision since I got to be honest and say what was bothering me and why I retreated from this friendship. I gave her a chance to own up for some of her behavior and I was thinking she might. I guess that’s because I am the type of person that does not have a problem saying when I am wrong. In this case I feel I was right and I need to surround myself with friendship that enrich my life not bring me down.

Thank you all for you comments and advice!

...My Response to Difficult Friend

Posted By Gossip Girl007

I took everyone's blog advice in responding to Miss Life sucks. I think I was honest, kind, yet firm in expressing how immature I think this all is. When I started writing my response it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It actually felt really good to get this stuff off my chest and finally say all the things I have been holding back for many years. I tried as hard as possible not to be hurtful nor throw specific instances back in her face( like she did to me) because that is just not me. MY sister and my best friend thought this was a good email so I went for it and emailed her today. So far all I know is that she read it so we will see what the reply (if any) is. Either way I feel comfortable with my decision to write her back and with what I said.

Miss Life Sucks,
I did not expect this type of email from you but I am going to take this opportunity to be honest with you. I was also glad when we reconnected and I do consider you a friend. I just think that we view our friendship very differently. Our friendship has been that we pretty much that we drift in and out of each other’s lives, which is fine. I have a lot of friends who I see on an off and that doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other.

Yes, I should have called you back after the many times you called me but I was going through a difficult time and I needed space. Everyone else in my life understood and gave me the space I needed. From what I gather from your email you took it personally. That is your choice. There are some things that I don’t share with everyone and yes they are confined to my “inner circle” as you put it. I also don’t respond well to pressure. It felt to me that you wanted someone to hang out with and while you offered support by checking up on me, at that time me not responding meant I needed some time alone.

The reason we drift apart is because we don’t have that much in common. You are in a different place in your life than I am. I enjoy spending time with you but after awhile the friendship seems very one sided. Most conversations are about the stuff going on in your life and you don’t seem to have a very positive attitude when things don’t go your way or friends don’t respond the way you want. This whole email is about the way you feel and what you want of the friendship. Not once do you ask if something is wrong with me. This is OK that is they way you chose to express yourself. There were times when I walked away feeling drained from our conversations and I was upset by whatever feelings you had about something. I can empathize and sympathize with situations my friends are going through but in the case of our friendship if felt like a lot of pressure was put on me to say the right things to soothe your situations. I don’t know if other friends drift in/out of your life but if this has happened to you before maybe it’s because they don’t get support back from you maybe it’s more about soothing you and that may require you to look at yourself and deal with why this happens to you. If it’s just me who feels this way, well then write it off as whatever you want.

As for the myspace thing, I envy you that you have nothing better to worry about except why you aren’t on my top friends. Which since I am being completely honest I had not noticed until you mentioned it. I don’t value people by the place they hold on my myspace page. This is a very immature thing to bring up. Your email says you care about me but the words in the email just don’t show it.Where this friendship goes will depend on your response to what I’ve said. You wanted an answer and I gave it to you honestly.

...What I Am Going To Do

Posted By: Gossip Girl 007

First of all THANK YOU all for taking the time to comment on my post about "difficult friend", it really helped me reach my decision. I my gut was to delete her email and not reply. But I'm going to reply to her email and be as nice as possible while making it very clear the reasons why we drifted apart.

But since this has happened in the past I am prepared for her reactions which will include her getting mad, telling me I am not the person she thought I was (whatever I know who I am) and pretty much calling me a bad friend. I'm sure she will remove me from her myspace -- the funny thing is I probably wouldn't notice! LOL!

I'll let you know how it turns out in the next few days! THANK YOU again!

...Crack Heads

By: Former Party Girl

I’ll admit it, before I was an SUV driving, soccer mom in training, I was a raving maniac of a Party Girl. I liked to spend all my money on clothes and booze, and had no problem indulging in a little illegal fun now and then. Of course I met the man of my dreams and after we courted and partied it up, we settled down and began the splendid task of having a family and growing up. I can still relate to those who are current party girls, and part of me misses it, but a bigger part is happy and content being exactly who I am today.

So, about 6 years back my step bro’s wife I became pretty close, bff status. We went out to the bars and partied together. We had some pretty crazy times. And I considered her to be a good friend. I will admit that every now and again, we used to partake in a little nose candy. But then she and her hubby moved on from the occasional blow to crystal meth. And they started hiding it from me. I had a hard time being supportive with them because they had 2 kids, then lost their jobs, houses, cars etc. I swear I am not exaggerating. I distanced myself, and in the meantime got married, and got my you-know-what together. She only came to my wedding for about 15 minutes and then left because some one called her out about being a tweeker. About 2 years later my first kid was born and she never even called or saw my kid until the kid was like 1.

Eventually they split up, she lost her mind, he got better and clean. She had the kids and disappeared off the face of the planet, didn’t return calls or letters or emails or anything. She burned all her bridges and moved upstate to get away from all the lawsuits etc that were chasing her around. I tried about 1 time a month for over a year to contact her just to see how the kids were and how things were going. All the while I was hoping that she would have had an epiphany and cleaned up if anything for the sake of her kids. But of course no response. That is until this last November. Suddenly through the wonderful world of the internet, she got a Myspace profile and we started to get in contact, sort of. Eventually she asked for me to help her with some money, which I reluctantly did for the sake of the kids, all the while knowing that she would probably burn me, but whatever.

I even went as far as to practically give her a vehicle as I got a new one at the end of December last year. I am sure that I don’t need to say it, but yes, she still owes for the car. I never fully expected to be paid for it. I knew in letting her take it with 100 down that we probably would be screwed for the balance. And of course, as of now, I have not received the agreed upon (in writing) payment of $100.00 per month since March. Am I mad, even disappointed? Not so much.

What I am totally disgusted with is that I keep getting forwarded emails from her to her dad stating that the car is not running, it’s broken, it needs $3000.00 worth of work, it’s broken down several times, etc. She is the one forwarding them to me. As if to inform me that the car I GAVE her is out of commission. (Please keep in mind that NOTHING she says can be considered truth.) The car is older (1996) but was in great running condition when I GAVE it to her. It even had new tires, fresh oil and had the radiator hose replaced just before they got it. It had also been recently smogged. My question is this, SHOULD I RESPOND TO HER AND TELL HER TO GET OVER IT? I want her to know that her ridiculous emails are just that, and it doesn’t matter to me if the car is running or not, she still has a responsibility to pay, or AT LEAST address why she hasn’t. I don’t need the money from her. I wrote if off in my mind before I ever agreed to sell her the car in the first place. But why in the world does she think that she needs to forward me all the BS issues with the car? I mean, if my car broke down, I would not write the bank and tell them all the problems with it. They’d just repo it anyway. Crack-headenss aside, how do I tell her to come to reality without being totally mean and hardcore? Because really I have so many things that I would love to tell her, but I think it’s better to just let it be. What would YOU do?

...Difficult Friend's Email to me

Posted By: Gossip Girl 007

Wasn't it just last week when I wrote about Miss Life Sucks? Well she wrote me an email through myspace and now I really don't know what to do. Her email (below) sounds sincere though a little needy. What should I do? I really do hate hurting people but allowing this friend back in my life will require a lot of effort on my part. I can't do that right now. I am going through a LOT of things in my personal life and I just can't take on her needs. Do I take this opportunity to be upfront and tell her the truth that she drains people and demands to much of a friendship with out giving back? Of course in kinder words. I just don't know if this friendship is worth salvaging but I'm not a total bitch and I think I should say something to her. HELP ME I NEED ADVICE!

Hi, Gossp Girl---Hope all is well with you. This is TOTALLY going to sound like a note I would've slipped into your locker in high school(LOL!). For the past few months I've been wondering what happened between us. I was SO happy when we reconnected through My Space. From time to time throughout the years I had thought about how you were doing and what you were up to. You had always been such a sweet, compassionate friend and I always remembered that about you. You can't say that about a lot of people in this day and age.Even though we had only been reconnected for a few months, when you got sick and had to have the surgery, it meant a lot to me that your sister called to tell me. The last thing I would've thought is that you would consider me to be such a friend that you would let me know about something so personal during a very stressful period in your life. I mean, the only people who were at the hospital the day of your surgery were your best friend and your family...your inner circle.

I felt like we were on our way to becoming really close friends again. Then all of a sudden I noticed we hadn't talked in a while after my birthday. When your birthday came around, I called you a bunch of times wanting to take you out for dinner or drinks. But you never answered. Then I noticed that you had taken me off your Top Friends list on My Space. You know I'm VERY sensitive when it comes to stuff like that and I get paranoid. I kept calling and emailing and I still didn't hear from you. So here we are 6 months later and I feel like we're not even friends anymore. I know you have a lot of stuff going on with your family, but I can't help but wonder: what happened?I know I sound like a whiny, pathetic girlfriend emailing her boyfriend (yes, it's silly...but I do feel that way!), but it's been something that's really been eating away at me. It really makes me sad to think that you are mad or hurt by something I may have done or something that you may have misunderstood. And so, I'm here hoping that you'll be open and honest with me and tell me what happened. I'm totally PMS-ing too, so if I'm sure this has something to do with the extra pathetic tone to me too. :)I hope that I hear back from you, but if I don't, I hope that you leave knowing that I love you and will miss you, and didn't mean to push you away. Eventhough we've come in and out of our lives for over 20 years and have shared moments of laughter and tears, your friendship has always meant a lot to me and will always continue to be. Hugs, Miss Life Sucks

...feeling a little low

by Sassy

I don't know what it is, but lately I have felt just very distant from my couple SUPER close friends. It is like we are all just wrapped up in our own lives and seem to be growing apart. And for some reason, I have been really down about this. I feel like there is just something happening and I can't control it and don't know how to change it. I guess it doesn't help that there are much different interests these days. I am not about going out all the time and partying. Don't get me wrong, I love to go to a bar and have a couple drinks and hanging out. But they just seem to be in different places than me. I mean, when they have a BBQ, it is all about everyone just getting entirely shithoused and out of control. If you don't drink, then you are looked down on and told you aren't fun. Don't get me wrong, I love to drink and have fun, but I just seem to be calming down. Also, we all have boyfriends. Well, my friends boyfriends work together and do a lot of stuff outside of work together. They are super close and hang out all the time therefore allowing my friends to always be together. Well, my boyfriend doesn't like that group of guys really. I can understand too. If these guys weren't with my friends, I probably wouldn't chose to hang out with them either. But over the years, I have grown close to them, especially one of them.

So now I find myself if a tough little place. If there are BBQ's, I can go, but I know that I will be a little tense and I know that my guy won't be having any fun at all just because he doesn't mix well with those guys. My friends are dating guys that are super preppy type and on the "metro" side. Definitely like my boyfriend. I guess I just feel that now I am missing out on things. I know I am really not missing out on too much because it isn't that I don't hang out with them or see them or do things with them. There are just more times when I am already doing my own thing. I guess I just need to make more of an effort. I just miss them is all. And now that I am writing this I feel like I am being retarded.

...Making Plans

by: Rad Ponytail

I have a friend (read: mother) who is driving me NUTSO! I am not really an anal person. I only consider myself to be like 40% type A. I like to make plans, I like to know what the day is going to be like. Especially because I have a toddler and am also like nine hundred weeks pregnant. But can my said friend oblige me by simply making a meeting time? Nooooooooooooooooooo! It’s always like “Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens tomorrow morning” or “I can’t really say what’s gonna happen between now and then.” my friend has a crazy controlling husband who requires her to go through him for every decision that she makes. And I used to let her slide because of that. But now I am married, have my own life, family, business, responsibilities, and I see that is a total bunch of BS. Just grow a pair already and MAKE PLANS. It’s not hard. You just pick a time and then be there by that time. I’ll even allow 15 minutes leeway. I realize that being impulsive and spontaneous is fun and exciting when it comes to dating or vacations or whatever. But for the love of Pete, I am begging her to just FREAKING figure it out already.

...Birthday Presents and Friends.

By Ms. Dirty Laundry

Call me selfish, call me ridiculous, call me whatever you want but I am pissed off that I didn't receive a birthday present on my last birthday from a friend of mine. A friend that has been a friend for more than 10 years. A friend who I visited and celebrated my birthday with about a week after my actual birthday, at which other people were giving me birthday presents. A friend for which I have ALWAYS gotten a birthday present for.

Is this wrong? Should I not expect a present from a person I have known for more than a decade and with whom we have always exchanged presents? I've tried to be mature and not get all pissy that I haven't gotten anything from her but really, I can't. I'm pissed. Not even a card! Not even a fucking card!

There are some people that I don't expect presents from. Even ones I've bought presents for, but this friend I expected one. And now I don't know what to do on her next birthday...do I get her a present like always or be like "umm, you didn't give me anything so, well, nothing for you bitch!"

And for a friend of mine who I know is reading this, I am not talking about you...I'm talking about someone who I am pretty sure doesn't even know what a blog is.

...Friends, friends, friends.

By Ms. Dirty Laundry

It seems like at every major junction in my life (the end of high school, the end of college) I have gone through a mini-breakdown involving my friends. I used to worry that something was wrong with me…why couldn't I hold onto friends for more than a few years? Should I just put up with be treated shitty because I have a history with these people? I’d beat myself up over the fact that I didn’t really want to hang out with someone anymore. I had no idea how to deal with the fact that I felt I was being treated like shit by people who were supposed to be my friends. These people didn’t know me…they just spent the whole time complaining about their lives, or their parents, or how they had no money, or blah blah blah. I was sick of hearing it. I was sick of being the one that had to shoulder their shit.

I always came to the same decisions every time I hit this roadblock in my life. First and foremost I decided there was nothing wrong with me and that I wasn’t going to put up with their shit. I also, however, decided that part of the problem was my fault (much later on of course). While I am a firm believer that people seriously change throughout their lives and sometimes the directions that their lives take are totally different, I also believe that you don’t get in a position like that, with certain people, if you speak up and play your part in the friendship.

I now have a story about Miss BFF. Disclaimer, I am going to tell this story from my point of view, not hers. I realize she has her side of the story but this is my blog so I get to tell it about how I felt at the time and why I did what I did. And how it turned out.

I had this friend. We had been BFF’s since elementary school but in high school we started to hit snags. BFF started hanging out with a few other girls. In my opinion these girls were nothing but trouble…they slept around, had eating disorders, did hard drugs, were just down right bitches and were very cliquey. We will call them Miss Bitchy and Miss Bitchier. I was, and therefore I immediately did not fit in. I also couldn't understand why this girl, who I had been such good friend with for so long, could even be interested in hanging out with them. Or why she put up with the destructive behaviors they constantly participated in. When college came around, the road started getting even more bumpy for us. BFF partied a lot and didn’t go to school to often. I partied too, but got completely engrossed in college. She lied to her parents about her grades while I was working my ass off to get good grades and work part time. I started hanging out with the people in my classes, and she kept hanging out with Miss Bitchy and Miss Bitchier. Finally I just decided our roads had split and we were headed in different directions. I didn’t want to put up with being last in line for her attention ALL of the time. We started getting in stupid little fights (that I probably started…in retrospect of course, at the time they were ALL her fault!). I stopped calling her and ignored her calls a lot of the time because I had already decided I was done with her. It was my time to be a bitch and treat her like shit. I started hanging out with people I had more in common with; people I had classes with, or would see at parties all the time. I pretty much stopped hanging out with her except for the random sighting here or there, and maybe birthdays or something like. I just felt it was a time in my life where I was going to college, trying to better myself and here she was wasting her life partying the night away. I finally 'broke up with her'. I actually wrote her a letter and left it in her mailbox. There was stuff I wanted to say but just couldn't find the way to say it to her face. Nor, at the time, did I feel she deserved that. I felt like I had been treated like shit and taken advantage of, I was going to give her the respect of telling her I was done with her to her face.

For a long time she left me alone. We would run into each other at a party here or there but I was done with her. I was done with having her in my life. I was completely ok not having her be a part of my future in any way, shape or form. After some time (years) she called me, pretty much out of the blue, and asked me something. Asked me to take part in a very important thing in her life. Honestly, as I said yes, I was thinking to myself "why? Why does she want me to be involved? Why did I just say yes?" I honestly didn't think I would ever go through with it. I just thought I would never follow up and the subject would never come up again. In the end, I went through with it, and now that I look back, I am glad I was there. But even after that, I never really wanted her back in my life. I was still very wrapped up in the whole college scene and had a whole new set of friends and I was ok with that. She wasn't. She kept calling, I kept resisting. An occasional lunch here or there but all in all, I still felt like she was this complaining person that had taken advantage of me. I definitely still blamed our friendship falling apart on her. I had a lot to realize. She kept calling, she kept in touch. She wouldn't let me 'break up' with her. I honestly don't remember what brought us back together. In my opinion, we have both done a lot of growing up and somehow the roads of our lives have come back together. She is now a huge part of my life and one of my dearest friends.

In our situation, I had completely accepted parting ways and leaving her in my past. I also don't regret the way things happened or turned out because at the time, for many years, we were very different people. She wasn't the BFF from elementary school and I am sure I wasn't whatever she regarded me as. But somehow we found our way back to being friends. And I think our friendship is in a much more honest place than it could have ever been if we hadn't gone through what we went through. I think our friendship is in a place now where it will last a lifetime.

On that note, I've also ended up in situations with people that have separated myself from them, I realized how toxic they were to my life. I realized that their negative attitude was so toxic that it made everyone and everything around them miserable. These are the relationships that I have let go and my life is so much better for those decisions. Friendships are a lot of work but they should be worth the work; they should leave you with a confidant, a partner in crime, and someone that you can truly share your life with. They shouldn't leave you hating yourself, the world or them.

There’s this famous quote that I love that had always made me take a look at my friendships (even though it doesn't really have anything to do with my story but...): "Some people enter our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same."

Like I said, it’s a 2 way road…it’s just making the hard decision of whether the road has split up ahead or if it’s just in need of a few repairs.

..."Difficult Friends"

Posted by Gossip Girl 007


I'm stuck on this situation for months now. To be honest I don't know what to do about Miss Life Sucks. She is a friend who I had known many years ago and had stopped speaking to her for awhile but then she found me thru myspace. It was nice to hear from her at first and we exchanged emails pretty much catching each other up on our lives since we last saw each other. She is a nice enough lady but she is so EMOTIONALLY HIGH MAINTENANCE. If you are back in her life man you are back up in there. She tells you every move she makes and wants you to advise her on every drama she has with everyone in her life. Her point of view is always, "Life sucks, men suck, family sucks, work sucks, etc." She never sees the glass half full it is always half-empty.


I think (though I don't know for sure) but the thing is that she clings on to one friend at a time and does everything with that friend...shopping, clubbing, lunches, etc...which is great I love to do that with my friends too. But with Miss Life Sucks she wants to manipulate all my time. I am so not having that. The other thing that bugs me is that she always has something to say about each of her friends and how they "wronged her". When I hear the stories it seems to be like they got since of her "woe is me" attitude and stopped hanging out with her.


I feel the way she sees life starts to depress me. She complains about so much going wrong in her life that she can't focus on the good. I start to wonder if I should be worried all the things I don't have or aren't going my way. But that isn't me I'm grateful for my life, happy with it, and try to focus on the good. I know friends are supposed to be there for each other but when is it OK to be a little selfish and do what's best for me? I know I don't get much support from her. There was a time she came to see me when I was sick but even still she was talking about all the times she was sick and people weren't there for her. I don't think she knows how to be happy with anything and I don't feel it's my job fix her life.

In the last couple of months I stopped returning calls or emails as a way to avoid her. Each email or voicemail is all needy and I can't handle it. Friendships are supposed to be a two way street...a give and take. I feel like I do all the giving and she keeps taking, taking and taking. Am I being a jerk here?